Suz08

Over a year ago I left my husband. A choice I am now unsure of and actually regret. We had been together for 8 years and married for four. The last year and a half of our marriage my spouse developed a gambling addiction. By the time I left I was tired. I was tired of the constantly absence. I was tired of struggling to pay bills. I was tired of the personality changes that were occurring. This last feeling should have been a clue to the secret he was hiding. My husband, the love of my life, had relapsed into meth addiction. When we starting dating he was two years clean and had a colorful history(arrests, prison time, previous rehab attempt) related to his addiction. He rebounded and took charge of his life. He worked a full time job and was promoted to supervisor. He attended a 12 step meeting weekly and for a brief time attended therapy. Then, it started to fall apart. He was injured on the job. A major surgery ensued complete with pins in his spine. Then, his pain doctor prescribed him three major narcotics for pain despite having knowledge of my spouse’s addiction history.

I know now he relapsed two years into our marriage. I had started to notice subtle changes but was unsure of what was happening. I had never seen a meth addict only what was portrayed on TV. I wrote off his ups and downs as the pain meds he was prescribed.

Anyway, I left, only then learning about his relapse. That revelation is a story in itself. I filed for divorce despite his pleadings he was ready to go to counseling; he was ready to get help. For a month after I left he did attend meetings again but then continued his use and I suspect without me present ramped up the usage. It is now a year later and I wish I had stayed. I have learned a lot of about my codependency. I have learned about the enabling behavior I displayed and the parts of the relationship I must own. About my own unhealthy choices in friends. (I had started to surround myself with heavy drinkers) I regret not separating for a year and navigating the waters of treatment together.

I don’t know what to do now. A few people around me are probably glad we split. They see the world in black and white/cut and dry. Other friends emphasize with my feelings and are supportive but I can tell they are unsure of what to say. These friends tell me to find my own healing path, find me and let life happen but it is hard I miss my husband.

I feel guilty that I abandoned my partner.

I don’t know what to do from here.