Love the name Shayda...
I had a similar issue with my boyfriend, his depression and cocaine use. I chose only to disengage with him when he was high, other times I continued to support him, listen to him, and I sent him things too that I thought might encourage him a little now and then songs and stuff, encouraged him to find a therapist, give it time and the whole bit. I didn’t consider it to be enabling. And in no way was I standing in the way of a HP; certain HP can get right past me !
Take the alcohol out of it, if he was suffering from depression and it was based on real issues from the past like abuse, neglect, and this person suffers from poor self image, and all kinds of emotional distress, then the substances are more likely being used to self medicate in my opinion. Would you disengage from the depressed person who feels unloved and unworthy, and incapable, and tell them to give you a call when they pick themselves up by their bootstraps? Doubt it, not if you want to continue the relationship, at least that was my logic, so I tried to be supportive on those issues, just not the cocaine use.
Tough love in some cases only supports the depressed, sick logic they suffer from and are trying to medicate away. Addiction is a illness, and people need support like you would support any other illness. Disengage from the times when he is drunk, abusive, insulting, anything like this, disengage if you are becoming physically or emotionally sick yourself, but otherwise its support and its ok if you want to provide it. I personally don’t think people in groups like AA are any more qualified to deal with depression and emotional issues than anyone else who has ever had to deal with such things. They are not professionals, only people who have their own troubles and used substances to deal. Its good he is seeing a therapist. That is what my boyfriend ended up doing, and is still doing. Takes time though.
I went with my boyfriend to a couple of his appointments, and it was good for both of us. He has been going since January, and has been clean since late in January. Doing much better now. Maybe you could ask if he would like you to go with him some time, might give you a little more insight into what is going on, and what the therapist knows. Mixing antidepressants and alcohol a big no, and is probably causing part of his volatile mood swings. Wonder how aware the therapist is of the drinking? Your not obligated to do anything for him, but Im posting this because you sound like I was in that your ok with talking to him and understanding its an illness, and not to become obsessed or take it personal. We cant cure them because it’s a medical problem that needs medical help, that part is simple.