shayda951

So a few weeks ago I wrote a post about how my fiance came to live with me after a grueling 3 week medical detox, but 2 weeks after his release, began his relapse. After the third confrontation (I told him he could not drink at my house) he left and went home. We ended the engagement and the relationship. I then read 2 books in a matter of days and educated myself about the disease. Those helped me a lot.

Its been a week and a half since left and yes started drinking 24 oz alcoholic energy drinks (12% alcohol) at the rate of 2 to 3 per night. I read the alcohol content in these, mixed with the caffeine, is equivalent to 5 beers each. Very scary! I'm surprised he's chosen these as his beverage of choice as he has always had severe insomnia and hates energy drinks ( the caffeine makes him jittery).

Anyways, I wasn't in communication with him for the first couple of days after he left. Then he sent me a suicidal text apologizing for all of his alcoholic behavior and how wonderful I was. We texted back and forth and I was very even-keeled and unemotional and let him know it was up to him to get better and that there was nothing I could do for him anymore. However, I did tell him I loved him and I'd be supportive if he decided to take action and get help. He began to respond with anger, trying to start a fight (he seems to like to break me down) and so I ended the conversation and said I would not tolerate the abuse. He later texted back and apologized and said be missed me.

A few days later, I was in panic mode and went to his house to check up on him. I saw how much he had been drinking. It was devastating. I went in the morning because I knew he'd be sober then. He doesn't drink until that "witching hour" in the evening. I stayed with him for several hours and be opened up a lot about his childhood and PTSD and emotional issues and he told me he cannot stop because he hates himself. He is very, very self-loathing. He said he wants help and that alcohol is a prison and misery. I bad talked to his family about what was going on and that killed him. Hes embarrassed and feels like a burden to them when they have to worry and he said he just wants to talk to me. The family involvement seems to bring him a lot more pain. And they really are not helpful. So I agreed to leave them out and be there for him when needed. He upped his therapy sessions and changed his weak antidepressant to a supposedly better one that also helps quell cravings and started biweekly acupuncture (auricular). He asked his psychiatrist about Antabuse, but he was against it.

I saw him a couple of times since then this week. His self-loathing is getting worse and his anger is increasing. He's drinking more. He's stopped going to the gym because he hates looking at himself in the mirror. He's stopped answering calls/texts from friends and family and only occasionally answers mine. He says he is done talking to his father (who's an alcoholic and pretty much abandoned him until adulthood). Then I cried one day and gave him all the power back and every time I try to talk about his problem he accuses me of finding joy in humiliating him. He tells me its too late and I will never get the man back that he used to be. He says he should have been dead 10 years ago as its been misery since then (ups and downs). Then after his rants, he comes down and says he needs help and that I'm the only reason he still wants to be here in earth at all. These rants are sober. I won't talk to him when he's drunk. He then seems fine for the rest of the day and goes to his appointments, but drinks again at night and it all starts over.

He is suicidal and alone. He's cut everyone out but me. And he tries to cut me out often lately, but comes back and cries for help. I've been doing what I need to do for myself and have been trying not to worry about him, but of course, I do. He has deep abandonment issues from his childhood. I'm afraid to abandon him again when he needs someone most. But I hate that he is drinking. I hate him when he's drunk and won't talk to him then. I feel as if I am working harder to keep him afloat then he is and I'm worrying more about him then he worries about himself. And my efforts sometimes seem futile. I'm sending him information, songs (he is a musician and songs will really hit him), suggestions, little pick-me-ups, a haply memory...whatever I can think of to get him motivated. But he's not there yet. So now I wonder...is it healthy for him to have my support or am I just enabling the disease by not turning and walking away? I am worried about him and of course that can get to me, but I feel I am in a pretty good place emotionally to handle his anger and negativity. I've learned about the disease and how to turn a deaf ear. Its not him, its the disease talking. I know if I were in his situation, I'd hope I had somebody who cared. Especially being suicidal. He even mentioned he noticed his gun was missing (i gave it to his friend) so it's scary knowing that he went looking for it. But am I helping him at all by being supportive? Or is he just manipulating me (and I'd so, why?)? He tells me sometimes to leave him alone, but he still reaches out to me. Any advice? I'm so confused as how to best help him!