Thank you so much everyone, I am so touched by your kind words and no longer feel alone with this. I am so sorry that you guys had to go through this too. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. It's like a tornado tearing through lives.
Linda, congratulations on your sobriety! I am so happy for you and for your children that you have broken the chain of alcoholism and misery!
NWGRITS, thank you for asking! I wrote a letter in a card to my father telling him I loved him very much and will be sad when he's gone. So he knows I do love him, just not the things he did when drinking.
I had a visit with my psychiatrist and talked about my struggling with guilt and how much the people here on SR are helping me. I know in my head that I didn't cause it, and can't cure my father or anyone else, but there is a disconnect between my head and my heart sometimes.
I spent time cooking and going for walks, things I enjoy. With the MS, I can't walk very far or long anymore, but I still get out there and it nurtures me.
The one thing that I did that I feel a bit ashamed of (but it helped me a lot) was to make a list of some of the more abusive things he did to me over the years and a list of all the times I tried to help him see he had a problem.
After I saw both very long lists, And discussed them with my husband, he said my father was very lucky I had anything at all to do with him after 18. I had to agree with that list fresh in my head.
At that point part of me (most of me) thought, I don't owe him anything at this point. Not my problem. And Im not wasting any more of my precious life worrying about him and trying to make him love me and trying to save him.
I know I sound very harsh but that's where I am and I like it better than the guilt and sadness so Im going to try to stay in this frame of mind.
Thank you all so much. I hope I won't dissolve into a weepy codependent mess again. I will try not to.