Sad today
Today is the baby's second birthday. Two years ago my AH was purportedly in recovery and I was still making decisions based on a life together. I was so happy, truly. Within a month, AH relapsed and left for rehab, leaving me at home alone to recover from surgery with a newborn by myself. A year ago, the day we had the baby's birthday, I was sure I smelled alcohol on him after nearly a year. He denied it. Within a month, shortly after our fifth wedding anniversary, I kicked him out for good after discovering his umpteenth relapse.
The bad history is all there, and yet I still miss him and I am scared about my future alone with these kids. I chose bad dads for them. My relationship with my overbearing and controlling parents has deteriorated to almost nothing. My friends are busy. I just feel so alone and like my poor decisions are exposed.
Yesterday the baby did her birthday at her paternal grandparents. Like they prefer, they are still in serious denial about AH's disease. Big party, tons of presents, lots of activity. He has no job. He lives in their basement. We are dividing our stuff in the divorce and he comes over here picking this and that like its a shopping trip. New shoes every time i see him. I haven't received my support check from him this month. I bought cupcakes and $30 of toys. It's just the two of us today and I am having a hard time working up an attitude even close to celebration.
Broke, sad, and overwhelmed. Missing what might have been but wasn't. The day the baby was born was one of the happiest of my life, but within hours, AH's toxicity was overwhelming. I'm just sad, the grief comes and goes. I didn't want this for me or my kids.