M33

My dad died of cancer when I was 10. My mam was 33 at the time. When that happened I don't recall her drinking heavily but she drank, stayed in doors, cut herself off from the world and my sister and I, off from the rest of the world and just did the very minimum of what she was supposed to do.

My sister and I have been left the family home for 10 years now, I'm now 33 myself. All that time mum has been drinking steadily more, not dealing with her grief. I have seen an awful change in her these past 2 years. I'm sad to say that mum has all the signs of cirrhosis of the liver except jaundice. 18 months ago she complained constantly of a pulled muscle in her right side... I'm sure it was enflamed liver pain.

My mum has a constant wide footed stagger even when I don't think she's 'drunk'. I fear brain damage or some sort of learned behaviour.

I need to let out something that I cannot deal with. My mam had a brush with the authorities 6 months ago. I was so worried that I visited her at home. We are no longer welcome to visit our family home and now I know why. Every space available in the house, wether floor, table, stairs bathroom etc is littered with wine and vodka bottles. She will not allow us to help her clear them. I've practically begged.

Well where I am now is a very clear but painful place. On one of mum's visits down to me she walked to feed the ducks with my eldest child. They are out the back of my house, literally 30 seconds away. My daughter said that my mum had had a drink of juice out of her bag but wouldn't share it with my daughter and got very angry at her. I confronted my mum who called my 8 year old a liar. My daughter was devastated especially as after that she told My little girl that she wasn't her friend any more, quietly away from my ears. When my daughter told me this part I really confronted my mum who said she was drinking vodka when in charge of my daughter around water.

This episode was 2 weeks ago and has been eating away at me for so very long. I was due a visit from mum Friday gone. I asked her not to come. The first time I have ever acted upon what I really want. That lead to manipulating behaviours from mum. Trying to use what ever weapon she could to make me feel bad. It just made me angry. I said to her what I have wanted to say to her for a very long time. I told her that I wouldn't be around her anymore as it was too painful for me. I told her that when she begins to tidy her home and can control her drink I would very much like to rebuild our relationship. I was so sure she would panic and try to fight for me and her grandchildren but she didn't and hasn't in the following days. She has literally chosen the drink and what that brings over having a relationship with me.

I don't really like my mum. I had a childhood that was lived in my bedroom. I have many an issue that I need to deal with because of that but my mum is my mum and I thought we'd be together or at least on speaking terms, forever.

I understand she's gripped with addiction and has no choice but it still hurts. I'm trying to deal with the guilt that by me cutting her off I'm probably sending her further to the bottle but... I have to look after me and mine. I am strong and I deal with everything head on. If by being selfish means I can progress in my own life as healthy a person as I can be then I have to do this.