Day 6
Thank you for your comments ladies.
Pinkdog, I have found it very helpful in the past to make the time to journal as I taper. It's very insightful. Now if I could just get past the PAWS part so I don't start taking again.
Christin1225, I ask myself the same thing once I'm off the pain meds and when I'm considering taking them again.......is my pain really bad enough or is the addict in me talking. I think that my truth is that the PAWS makes me emotionally and psychologically unable to effectively deal with the issues in my life, and that the stress of these issues cause pain in my body as well as reduces my ability to deal with emotional stuff.
I've spent a lifetime dealing with a lot of pretty serious crap so drama and issues have become a normal part of my life for a long time. As I get older, I become more and more intolerant of the people who cause these drama's so I am "cleaning house" so to speak and for the past year have one by one swept them out the door as I realize the toxic effect they have on my life and the importance of living the most stress free life as possible while I get off this medication.
Now, with all that said, yes, I have spent years taking this med to ease my emotional pain and stressors in addition to taking it for true honest to goodness pain. I don’t take several handfuls of this med throughout the day, but what I do take has become a problem for me. In terms of quantity I’m probably on the lower end of the spectrum than many others who are addicted to this med, but nonetheless, it’s not the quantity that is the problem, it’s the psychological addiction that is, regardless of the quantity. I have been taking this med for more than ten years, it is difficult to get off and stay off of it.
As I move into this new taper I’m finding it more difficult than the last taper. I was able to sit low and let my body rest the last time, this time I’m busier and it’s been a rough ride for me to get to a lower dose and stay there. I have been attempting to do this for several months very unsuccessfully, so I decided that in order for the taper to work for me, I’d have to put some things in my life on hold for a while and I have made arrangements to that. And I am grateful that I’m in the position to be able to do that.
Getting back to Christin1225’s comments about resigning ourselves to doing less…….this has been a big deal for me too. I love to garden and do busy work, but my body will no longer tolerate it. Getting my hands in the soil has always been a grounding experience for me. Now I’m learning how to garden on a smaller level. Porch and patio gardening is taking over the gardening I used to do in the yard on a large basis, so I’m making efforts to stay connected to Mother Earth while dialing back the degree to which I’ve done it in the past. If I don’t honor both my body as well as my desires then it’s a no win all the way around.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t like the energy the meds give me to do what I used to do, but the pain relieving qualities of the meds reduce my pain while giving me energy and that is a bad combination for me because it allows me to push beyond what my body’s limit really is. I have only made my condition worse over the years by doing this. It has been difficult dialing back my activity level but I recognize it as pertinent to my health if I don’t want to end up in surgery or a wheel chair. Unfortunately, my reduced activity level has made it difficult to keep my weight down so the weight I’ve gained during this past year only adds to the arthritis pain.
As I work on clearing toxic people out of my life, I face the inevitable health decline of my aging mother. I expect for her to pass this year and I’m going to have to make some hard choices when that happens regarding the meds, but will deal with that when the time comes and try not to get too far ahead of myself.
PAWS is a b*tch. It has in part been responsible for my failures to stay off the meds in the past. I’m trying to be more educated this time around about how PAWS effects my ability to stay off the meds. If I stay focused on what’s going on inside of me I will be able to understand what’s happening when it happens and hopefully I can adjust my life or attitude or understanding to compensate. This is important to me.
Thank you if you have stopped in today to read about my journey. I hope that along the way someone resonates with what I write or has an aha moment for themselves. Have a blessed day.