Have you ever checked out SMART Recovery? You seem like a pro's and cons kind of fellow. I believe they have a number of worksheets etc...one being a cost/benefits analysis that may be beneficial. Drunken behavior amnesia can affect us all and lead up to relapse. Alcohol makes you well..not such a nice guy it seems. Made me not a very nice or respectable woman lol.
It would appear that getting off that merry go round would serve you better...just like the rest of us here.