Liz, it is much simpler than you are making it.
It is okay to call a bad thing a bad thing; to call a hurtful behavior hurtful; to label what happens to you honestly.
From reading your threads, it most often seems that when you say that someone or someone's behavior was bad, you can live with the discomfort of that unwelcome honesty only for a short time.
Then you retract your insight, withdraw your judgment, and blame yourself for having made it.
You do not allow yourself to stick with the honesty of your insight.
That, I think, is where you trap yourself.
Taking action to fix the situation requires that you hold on to the insight that what was done is wrong, it hurt you, and it is not acceptable. You need that gut wrenching honesty of how bad things really are in order to propel yourself to action.
That is where you short-circuit.
It is almost as if you, having said or felt that someone did something bad to hurt you, then project yourself into how that other person might feel, having been judged by you. Then you project yourself into owning the upset/displeasure/anger that you think they will feel. Then that bumps up smack against your sense of what it means to be charitable, forgiving and honorable. And that leads you into wondering why you would do something to hurt someone else. And that leads you into rationalizing that YOU did something wrong, and the other person was justified. And that leads you into examining where your own behavior has gone off the rails. And by now the initial insight is long gone, and you are more involved with the multiple sub-agendas that have diverted you from the truth of what you originally knew and felt. And the possibility of action has long been subverted.
It is so much simpler. And for me, this was so hard to understand and change my behavior.
Mike called it when he said You have dig deep, look inside and do the right thing. I can't tell you what the right thing is but I can tell from your posts you are not doing it yet.
Looking back on my old posts I can tell you that I can notice when the change in me happened.
It's when I stopped posting about her and started posting about me. That was the point where I assumed responsibility for my life and my recovery.
Trust your gut. When something feels bad, feels like a violation, hurts, you are entitled to call it as you see it.
And right at that point, you are entitled to take action. You don't have to think about it more; you don't have to understand it from the other person's perspective; you don't have to understand their motivation; you don't have worry about whether they will be upset, unhappy, discomfited or angry with your action.
Plain and simple: you get to take action for you to take care of yourself. Period.
This is said with great affection - take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1