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Old 07-30-2013, 12:33 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
lillamy
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You know, Liz, I know that you sometimes feel defensive when you get people giving you pretty strong advice to get the heck outtathere. I know you want to fight for your marriage, even if I can't understand what it is your fighting for. Economists sometimes talk about "loss aversion" -- meaning we're more afraid of losing a little than gaining a lot, and that instinct is so strong in us that we sometimes make irrational decisions in the face of losing (that's how gamblers and stockbrokers can end up losing tremendous amounts of money in an effort to recoup a fairly small initial loss).

Here's what's really bothering me: You are normalizing and getting used to something that in my state as well would qualify as sexual assault. The fact that he is your husband and he feels he has a right to do it makes no difference.

When I was in that situation in my marriage, I did the same thing. I didn't want to rock the boat. I decided that saying no would create more of a problem than just letting him do it. And I can tell you that of all the things I am dealing with in my recovery and in therapy now, three years after divorcing him? That part is the hardest part. It's harder than the emotional abuse. It's harder than the verbal abuse. It's harder than the fear of him waiting for me outside of work to kill me.

Because I voluntarily gave up my body for him to abuse in order to avoid worse abuse.

You have to make your own choices. But I can tell you when you make the choice to blow that off and not react strongly to it, it can have consequences that can follow you for a very, very long time.

I'm very concerned about you.
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