sunshine...
here are a few ideas which helped me to continue breaking through my own denial and help myself tear away from my addiction to the addiction...
1. Remember that hope and love are very powerful forces and impulses. Hope and Love are not necessarily "altruistic" in and of themselves. Addiction and codependency introduce the dysfunction to these naturally wonderful impulses and turn them upside down. One CAN get addicted to hope, and addiction/codependency can transform HOPE into FANTASY wherein the ongoing reality is denied. And love...well love...people kill and die and get abused for love. Love is great...it's awesome...but not ALWAYS! Love is just a bad mixer in the crack cocktail!
2. Crack addiction IS his disease...but I swear the insidious nasty evilness of that dis-ease is contagious. I am sure you might be suffering from some parallel symptoms of his disease. And you know from the principles of codependent recovery that you cannot CURE it, you did not CAUSE it and you cannot CONTROL it. You can only detach and work on getting yourself deeper into your own recovery. And don't be surprised at the sort of withdrawal symptoms you will feel...grief...longing...desperation to hear from him...clinging hopes...deep deep belief in the possibility of true love...etc. etc. You will need help navigating the withdrawal. I had friends, family, sponsor and therapist...but to be honest I had kind of worn them out, and SR became my biggest support. I think I wrote a book here while going through withdrawals.
3. You are not alone. This is why there are online forums, meetings, movies and books created out of the subject of US. Click on this link for an informative read (if you haven't already) it is one of the most clear descriptions I have read of what you are up against.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
4. A lot of people here recommend Mellody Beatties book "Codependeny No More" and I like it but I actually found Pia Mellody's book "Facing Codependency" to be even more helpful because it dug a little deeper into looking at our own formative beginnings and little beings learning how to love...and all of the ways we need love and can become somewhat willing to find it wherever we can. It would be a great read for you while you are on vacay. Use those ten days as a start on your withdrawal and don't look back!
5. When and if you DO see him...(if you are able to actually stick to a strict no contact plan kudos to you!) just start being sensitive and take note of the way seeing him triggers all sorts of feelings in you. It is important to start to pay attention to this. The feeling is often a lot like the symptoms of PTSD. If you are having difficulty going into total no contact...and you start to pay attention to these feelings and triggers...it will help you to eventually maintain your no contact.
6. Just like an active crack addict can't go driving through old dealer neighborhoods, hang out with old using friends, or even manage a hand full of cash...a codependent to a crack addict can't go perusing facebook, pick up calls or otherwise go visiting in his "neighborhoods"...maybe after some solid recovery...maybe. But you need some time. You need time. You need time.
7. Don't let shame compound your problem. When you began loving him you didn't know. Now you have become more "educated"...it is only now that you might start holding yourself more responsible for your own well being. Don't look back at coulda woulda shouldas. Your people love you and support you. Lean into them and move forward. Your future is spotless. One day at a time.
8. Pray.
9. I'm praying for you. Peace.