jdesunshine

My boyfriend is in active addiction to crack and the progression of his disease if difficult to be around. He's 50 and has been an addict since he was about 16 and started with crack when he was 27 or 28. I've distanced myself several times, but he stops using for a very short time and then we're back together. He's asked for help managing his money several times, but usually finds a way to get more (borrows it, pawns things, etc.), so I stop helping and give him all of it because if he's not going to do his part, then there's no need for me waste my time.

He asked again since he's now employed after a 3 month layoff. He's messed up so much that I haven't seen him for about 1-1/2 weeks (we've lived together for most of our 2-1/2 yrs together except when he's using). After many calls this afternoon to tell me what he was doing (cashing his check, paying on his mortgage, etc. - it's one of the ways he helps to keep himself in check instead of isolating). Afterwards, he came over to my house asking me to help him use the atm to deposit $440 cash into his checking account since he's never done it and he left his reading glasses at work. He has to have the money in his account to be able to pay on his car tomorrow so it's not repossessed. He showed me the receipts from his mortgage payments as "proof" that he'd done it even though I didn't ask. He said he still had a little money on him so that he wouldn't be completely out since he travels about 75 miles one way to work each weekday. Everything seemed good - he was reaching out and doing the right thing with his money and being accountable.

I'm torn about whether to help him in this way since he already called a dealer within 30 minutes of dropping me off after going to the bank. I have his card and he has no checks on the account and his direct deposit won't start for another week or two. I understand from some of his NA buddies that it can be helpful to break the pattern until he gets some clean time. Last time it was most successful he was clean and sober for 6 months and 1 day, which seems like forever ago, but he's been spiraling down every since then. He can't go a week without drinking &/or using. Lately, he hasn't made it past 3 or 4 days.

I'm a full-time student thanks to a program through the VA and I'm working towards my drug and alcohol counseling associates. I have a business for 20+ years that I'm not sure whether to keep or phase out, I have a part-time job as a recovery coach and am involved in Celebrate Recovery, church, singing, and other things. My time is limited and I'm behind on my own tasks (reconciling bank statements, filing papers, cleaning, etc.) because of my schedule. I do have my own finance challenges due to divorce in 2011 and lack of financial support from ex (he also started a competing business before he left and his 1st two customers were almost 52% of my annual revenue), which lead to me filing bankruptcy a few months ago.

I'm doing everything possible to dig myself out and I'm so angry and frustrated that my boyfriend isn't doing the same. In the beginning, I said that as long as he does what he needs to do to focus on recovery that I'll support him towards that goal (encouragement, etc. not financially). I realize that addiction isn't predictable (except for being unpredictable). Part of me wants to help him (I've always been good with money), but most importantly, I want to honor my own needs. A part wants to tell him that I'm done living in the chaos (not being around him has helped some but I'm still caught up in the drama). Yes, I know that I'm codependent and continue to work on my own recovery, which is why I'm re-evaluating my boundaries. This could be an attempt to make changes or another excuse to keep me drawn in. Thoughts or suggestions?