I really never lived alone in my life. I was married at age 18, had a baby on the way. That bum left a year later. Was still living at home. My father died shortly before I married the long-term ex. My mom couldn't afford the bills, so we got married and stayed with her for 9 years. It was a big house, so we had the attic, but shared kitchen. Moved out from there, but that was when the abuse really started, when he had me alone.
Well anyway, don't need to rehash that anymore. After my divorce, I bought my foreclosure at age 55. The same year that I joined here!!!!!
It was not easy at first. I bought a foreclosure, what was I thinking??????
I had to have all my subfloor pulled up. Couldn't find a contractor to do it. Had carpenter bees. Was afraid to leave the house. Those things would just dive right into your face to scare you away. I only went out in the morning or at night when they were inactive. Then had to fight the carpenter ants!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I kept thinking was stupid, stupid, stupid, boy are you stupid, can't you get anything right ???????????????
2 years later, I got that sub floor replaced, got the kitchen totally renovated, also the bathroom is totally renovated, all new carpeting, ceramic floors, new furniture, lots of garage sales, and flea markets.
I can now put pictures all over my walls. I couldn't do this when I was married. It had to be totally barren. My house when I was married, was never a home. It was a house devoid of any individuality.
I own a log cabin, and I am now having the outside of that fixed. Had to have the house stripped and re stained. Having stonework put on the bottom of it. It is a raised ranch. Next year will work on the landscaping.
My house and I are healing together after all the years of abuse.
Companionship? I would rather gag myself with a spoon at this point!!!!!!! I am meeting lots of friends. Families are adopting me as their own.
I go place, I do things. At times I would like to have someone special in my life, to watch a movie with, to cuddle with, to help me with the heavier work and things like that, but what do I do with him when I just want to be alone. Do I hang him up in the shed like the rest of the tools?????????????? That's all I think about now. If I had someone in my life, I still want all of my alone time.
That's why I found a place with a gated community. So no one can just knock on my door. I have to invite them there, and then I have to call the guard shack to actually let them in!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and I do have the guard shack and security on fast dial.