Hi, pals)
I've been all whimpering and wining today, in feeling low, toying with my blue mood. The Beast tried to impose on me staying at home with a pack of chocolate-coated marshmallow, watching a movie, feeling sorry for myself and sighing about my past, my future and my miserable (?) present moment.
I said "F&&& you". Bit the bullet and dragged myself to the gym.
And guess what?
First, while I was warming up I met a pal trainer withe whom we had a nice chat and luaghed a lot. I got a kick to my mood.
Then while I was lifting my barbells one guy approached to me, started a conversation and... asked me out))))) He said "You are just bursting with positivity".
Well, not my type either, and I think little bit too old for me, but anyway, my mood improved tremeneously. The beast was crashed.
It was crashed even more when another gal approached me in the change room and asked "Are you a pro?".
I finished with weight lifting and had a great cycling workout. When I came back home I felt like another person.
I still can't understand why I feel so different? Why I feel pity for myself? Why do I think I am no good? But once I drag myself out I act differently.
And why all this doesn't seem to teach me anything? Every day I doubt myself again and fight, and fight like it never gets easier.
Ok, I've had my share of whining anyway now)
Liferecovery - I can relate to what you are saying about food. For a long time it's been my only coping mechanism as well, thought I never actually suffered from eating disorder or had any problems with my weight. But still my relations with food are very complicated. I've mentioned in one of my posts that once I literally starved as a teenageer because there was no food available. And food has been my way to reward myself, to grant myself pleasure, to cope with anxiety, etc. So it's a whole set of issues about it for me. Wine came much later into my life, and it always paired with food back in my wining days.
Now, when I sorted out wine addiction, this food issues became more obvious, I can see parallels between these two addictions. I can see that both of them hide the same things. And food is much trickier to cope with because it's very hard to draw a borderline for myself between, say, not giving up to the Beast and obsession about watching my food.
And I agree with you about therapy. I have no idea where I would be now if not for my therapist. I am so grateful for that.
Jeni - Again, my pal. You didn't gate crash this thread, you were initial inspiration for it, so I am very glad you joined it) And your "ramblings" make a lot of sense, at least for me. I can't even imagine it without you now)
"Why does the 'what I deserve' statement still make me cringe? There is definitely still an issue with me not feeling I deserve this." - EXACTLY! Tha't's how I am feeling too! And it drives me crazy. What's wrong with "deserve"?
I like your draft! Having regualar meals is a great start, I can tell you. You sound confident and no joke. I love your attitude.
I am going to write my new badass rules as well. Because once gained badass point of view is slipping from me now, and I am not going to let it happen. I like to be calm and confident. I like to act, not to fuss. I like to do my best without worrying what will other people say or think about me.
Thank you again, my friend.
Bloss - I absolutely relate to you decision to treat yourself with kindness. I am trying to do this as well. I think you can hardly visualize perfection because it's a myth. I've heard somewhere that perfectionism is an extreme form of self-destruction. And it makes sense, because chasing some illusional perfection we destroy authentic ourselves. And after this chase there's nothing left, just pain and emptiness inside. Say to yourself kind words today).
Glad to have you here, pals. You have no idea how tremendous is your support! My big hugs.
See you)