I've been thinking a lot about what you both say, and I'm pretty certain I do not eat to numb feelings, or for any emotional reasons really. I think I'm just wired wrongly. You know as alcoholics we say our off switch is broken, and we can't just have 1 drink without going on to get drunk. Well that is completely true of me. Absolutely no argument. I know I can never drink again. I couldn't and will never be able to moderate.
With smoking, I can just have 1. I mean I won't sit and chain smoke, but again I will quickly become addicted again, so that within a few days I will be back to my pack a day routine. Off switch broken.
But with eating, it's different, it's like the switch gets stuck. Sometimes it is stuck on 'on', and I will eat too much of something. Something that's bad for me obviously...I'm never gonna get addicted to lettuce lol. When I'm like this, I eat compulsively, I search for sugar, I will go out and buy it if I need to late at night. Addictive behaviour. Similar to what I'd do if I ran out of booze or cigs. But then, for no reason, no emotional connection, this pattern changes. I will eat normally (well for me anyway), or otherwise I will forget to eat at all for days and the switch gets stuck on 'off'.
Weird doesn't even come close. But I honestly can't link these patterns to feelings of self-sabotage, lack of self-esteem or anything. I have always been the same. In so many ways, I'm more confident and happy than I ever have been. Life throws stuff at me the way it does us all, but I'm not depressed, overly anxious or struggling any more than anyone else.
So I haven't got an eating disorder. I don't fancy another label as my therapist has hung quite a few round my neck recently and I've got enough weighing me down to cope with anyway at the moment. But I am still going to address this. Big Plan just being considered.
Hope you feel better soon MB x
Hi to Bloss x