1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
This has been a struggle most all my life. Thinking that I could somehow change or help them. It began with my Mother and now I do it with my husband. Thoughts of, If I just love them enough maybe they will see what they will lose, if I threaten him maybe he will change, if I make him see how sad I am because of his actions maybe.. this has been ongoing for 8 years. with my Mother, before she passed, for my whole life. I'm exhausted. Depleted. And sick of this.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
My past makes me crazy. Memories of my Mother. How she was before the drugs got really bad, guilt surrounding the relationship or lack thereof with her before she died. I washed my hands of her. I felt I had to, the drama and craziness got to be too much. I got a protective order against her. And didn't get to say goodbye. I feel that perhaps, maybe.. this guilt I carry is preventing me from letting go of my husband. Fear that if I turn my back on him as I did my Mother.. he won't get better, he too will die. Or maybe that I gave up on her too easily. Whatever the case, I feel like a masochist. I am allowing myself to live this way, I am choosing to allow him to affect me and my son. I am allowing him to lie. I'm tired of this ever revolving door I keep choosing to merry go round with. I allow him to control me by allowing him to take advantage of me, allowing him to lie, allowing nothing to change. I keep this hope that one day, he will grow up, one day he will see, one day he will stop using.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I would have to face divorce. Being a single Mother. Maybe losing the home I worked so hard for. I would lose the love of my life. My Best friend. I would have to face another loss of someone I love to drugs. If I allowed him to stop controlling me... I would gain more than I would lose. Self-respect, happiness, individuality. The chance to be the mother I want to be.. provide more for my son as I wouldn't have the burden of his father on me. I know this.. what I don't know is why I don't start doing it. What I am waiting for.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
My emotions are all over the place. I'm angry, mostly. I hate the anger I feel in my heart.
My finances are tight. We live pay check to paycheck. Another reason why divorce scares me. I bought my home, my very own piece of earth all by myself.. after I married my husband and I accrued a lot of more debt along with heaps of his. Now I don't know if I can get on my own two feet. And make all my bills and a mortgage payment. I'm scared to death of losing my home and raising my son in some welfare, low income apartments like I had to live in growing up. I wanted so much more for my son..
Spirituality is there.. but I need to reconnect with God. Allow faith to enter my life. I need to pray much more often.
Physical health is overall well. I am losing weight.. I guess due to stress. And need to quit smoking.
My career is good. it's an escape form my woes at home.
My 11 month old son is my enjoyment. Being with him and his sweet little spirit makes it almost impossible to be sad or angry. I really need to try and reconnect with my friends. Join a gym or a yoga class. Start taking time away for me.
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I am close to very few. I am closest to my Grandmother. I have girlfriends, most are sick of hearing my ********. They are angry I keep allowing myself to go through this, sick of hearing me cry wolf about divorce. This time, I feel isolated. I don't dare call them. I don't want to hear the lectures.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
My mind feels garbled, my heart heavy and my emotions erratic. I blame my husband for breaking our marriage, the trust is gone. I border line hate him for what he has done, I make snide comments to him.. I'm short with him. I know I am responsible for my own emotions and actions. Allowing myself to distance from friends and family. I am doing this all. I just don't know how to get it back to good, to stop.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
I am resentful towards my husband. Thoughts of "How could he do this to me... again" are always going.. I hate him for breaking our marriage. Shattering the trust. Breaking my spirit. I am resentful to him for doing this to our family, our son. Our future. I am resentful towards my Mother still, I guess. For my childhood, for causing distrust to grow in my heart. I know I need to forgive her and myself. I feel as if divorce is my only option. I know in my heart he will never change and I know in my heart I want so much more out of life for me and my baby boy. I am just scared. Scared of losing so much. Scared of the what-ifs. What if he gets better.. what if I lose my home..
I wish I could tell my Mother how much I love her. I wish I could say I am sorry for turning my back on her. For not loving her anyway.. for not being there when she died. Tell her how much I miss her, every day. How much I wish things had been different how much I need her now. How sad I am my son didnt get to meet her. I wish my husband knew how much I loved him.. how much I need him. How sad it makes me that he never touches me, how the lack of intimacy and depth in our marriage has broken my heart and continues to everyday.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
I came to this group after finding out my husband was using pills, again or maybe he never had stopped at all. I read the stickies, and read the one about behaviors of a codependent and my eyes were opened wide. Things I had been avoiding about myself were brought to light. I realized I wanted and needed to change. I don't want to wait for him any longer, I need to make changes not only for myself but for my son. I can't live this way anymore. I am worried for him. He doesn't see he has a problem. I am really beginning to believe my husband is a sociopath. Seriously. His lack of compassion, empathy is astounding. He can watch me cry and nothing, no emotion is shown. Not a care. He doesn't need or want or even pretend to show love. He says it.. his empty words.. but, you can't see it, feel it, touch it. He has an unbelievable sense of grandiose. His ego, huge. His selfishness is pungent. He does no wrong and is above the law. Lies slip off his tongue continually. He charms you into believing them easily. I sat and starred at him for the longest time last night, trying to decide what it is I love about him, why I love him.. what is it that we have that is worth staying for, fighting for.. I couldn't come up with a single thing.. other than I knew what I was feeling was love. That I truly believe that somewhere in him is a good man.. he shows it sometimes. It's there, I know it. I see it when he plays with our son.. He is so extraordinary with him, and maybe that's why I am holding on. I don't want my son to miss out on his father, a family. He loves that boy and when I watch it in action I feel like I fall more in love with my husband. It's a magical thing.. watching him with the bright little soul we both created. This little bundle of the best of him and the best of me. Pure magic. when we laugh together, I feel it. But, mostly I feel angry. And I don't think that loving a man should be this damn hard.
I think he does love me, as much a she possibly can. But.. I dont think its enough. I need honesty, affection, give and take, a drug free life, stability, dependability. And I am coming to realize that he isn't capable of giving those things.
The end