Jess,
sigh. i get it. you know i do.
had all the same questions about my big plans. no point saying if it had been a real BP capital BP then it would have worked blahblahblah..
that's my experience of myself and my opinion how that worked or didn't ad how i do/don't understand it.
none of that, NONE OF IT, translates to If I cant make a BP should I just go out and get wasted?
the two don't connect that way. if they connect that way in your mind, then yeah, it might be a good guess that it's about ambivalence. only you would know.
a BP is not a necessary requirement for abstinence, sobriety, short-term or longterm or lifelong.
and identifying and recognizing the AV is a useful tool whether combined with a BP or not.
staying sober without a BP is quite doable. staying sober without white knuckles without a BP is equally doable.
it would be saddening to see you talk yourself into drinking because you believe that without a BP you'll drink eventually so you might as well do it now.
very sorry to hear of your dog's death. how lucky you both were to have had 15 years together!
Margit