Thank you all for commenting on my posts and reading and just being there. I have been so sad, so tormented by hope only to have it followed by with disappointment. I'm a good person who has been grossly taken advantage of by a man who has no concept of responsibility or no consideration of other peoples feelings. Maybe he's a great guy deep within, but I'm finally convinced that if his actions aren't currently illustrating a good man with a sense of duty and integrity to his family and his wife, there is no sense in sticking around to see this person surface. I deserve so much more from my life. I have worked so hard for what I own. I put myself through college and worked 2-3 jobs my whole life just to get to where I'm at right now. Had it not been for the sake of being with this man, I would be so much further along the road in my career than I am right now. His antics in the middle of the night, early in the morning, my constant worry, and his constant fury, have affected my performance at work. Additionally, I have been supporting a man who makes 3 times as much money as I do and my personal bills are more expensive than his. When you sit down and say these things out loud, you eventually think to yourself, "What is it that is SO good that is keeping me HERE? What promises has he actually followed through with? When's the last time he woke me up with a smile and a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning? When's the last time he asked to get away for the weekend? When's the last time he was [/B] home [/B] and he looked me in the face?"
God Almighty, this has been a long and hard road. I have made the decision, based on on the lack of hope that I have for my husband following through with ANYTHING that he says anymore. I have a support system, I just have to utilize it. I think that part of me was still straddling the fence for a long time and that's one of the reasons that I thought that I was trapped. But my best friend from middle school in a divorce lawyer and I finally reached out to her. I didn't want to impose on anyone, because I never want to ask anyone to do me any favors. She responded immediately and gave me the direction I needed to get this thing on the ball. If I'm afraid of my husband and what he may do to me following the separation, we have discussed all of the options that I have. THAT gives me hope. It's such a miserable feeling to think that you are trapped, especially a free spirit like myself. I have always been so full of joy and love and life and this addiction/codependency thing has left this feeling in the pit of me, like a solid weight holding me down.
To reach out to a divorce attorney, if nothing else, has been so liberating. And to know that I don't HAVE to take care of him - I first got anxiety when I thought that his family would be there to pick up the pieces, it made me angry to think that he wouldn't just have to suffer all alone. Then it occurred to me: I'm picking up where the last girl left off, and the one before that. It doesn't matter if I'm there or not, he'll always find someone to take care of him.
That epiphany made it even easier for me to accept that this has NOTHING to do with me and to walk away.