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Old 07-10-2013, 11:33 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Wishful133
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 43
PrinMel, I felt the same way you did. It was always about him, and never about me. Your question about when is it about you? The answer is NOW.

I have chosen to stay with my AH. He is getting help, recently relapsed but is committed again to recovery. But before that happened, I realized I couldn't do this any longer. I needed to laugh again, I needed to find myself, I needed to be free of this even if I wasn't free of him.

We each have our breaking points. Mine came when I felt like I couldn't breathe on my own any longer. We have two children, 13 years apart, and I felt like a single parent all over again. I couldn't do it. I decided to get counselling and al anon for myself. If I became a better person and he followed suit, then great. If not, I was still a better person for it.

My AH's recent relapse showed me how much I have grown. And because I was able to allow him to do what he had to do, and carry on with my life during it, he realized that I was serious about leaving this behind and he didn't want to be left behind. My counsellor said that can happen, that when the family starts to get better the A sometimes decides to also.

I always thought self-care was selfish, esp when A was really sick with his drinking. Every ounce of energy went to him and he demanded more. Now I realize it is selfish to NOT give myself self-care. I imagine I am my best friend, and when I am stumbling I give the same advice to myself as I would my best friend. i would try not to judge, I would try to be supportive and gentle, and I would tell her to take care of herself. and that's what you need to do to start.

Al anon will never tell you to leave your partner - they never told me what to do about anything. They just give you the tools, time and support to make the decision yourself. You don't need to decide right now. And as for leaving in the evenings for a meeting, could you say you have a late work mtg? Or are meeting a coworker for a project? I don't like to have AH looking over my shoulder either (altho he does have to babysit when I go)
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