I'm not sure I follow all of the above but here's what I know:
People in recovery need to change. People are usually very much opposed to change. That goes for people in recovery AND their families. So I think the fact that you realize that your FOO is a hindrance to you finding sobriety is great. It's a huge insight. It's painful.
But you don't have to assign blame. All you have to say is "where I'm at right now, here's what I need" and go from there.
I'm a codie in recovery. I've dumped so many people from my life -- including close family members -- who simply did not want me to change. People who take the reins of their own destiny are often perceived as a threat by people who won't. Because if you can change your life for the better, it means they could, too. And that can be a dangerous thought.
Last thought from me: FOOs, like spouses and children, can be loved from a distance. Or hated from a distance if that's what you need to do. You have no obligation to stay or stay in touch with ANYONE who is an obstacle to you leading a healthy life.