Midnight-
I am sorry you are in pain, but my two cents.
It is amazing that you are having this emotions, really hearing them, sitting with them and struggling with them. Okay maybe you did not "use" food how you wanted to around them. To me that is not necessarily a failure but a big step forward that you felt this really old hard stuff, engaged, but came here to report on it, struggle with it and look at it.
That to me is recovery at it's finest.
I also wondered like Jeni if you have professional support. My support has been worth every penny, and for me it has been the key (on top of the other support I have received).
Therapy gave me a safe place to examine the old voices, look at them, feel them, and do something different about them.
I don't look at your post as a failure, but as a big step forward.
I also want to offer hope that I struggled for years (from six on). My eating disorder behavior was never going to kill me, but gosh is it better that I have worked on it. It is nice to be at home with me....wherever I go, and to be able to trust myself.