Liz, I have thinking about how to respond to you for a bit now, and I just couldn't figure it out.
I read Wolfpackfan45's post, and I am blown away by her courage, determination, and forward motion in the face of such profound tragedies.
That kind of put into perspective for me part of what is working for me, helping me move forward.
I think I am finding, after a year gone from my AH and now divorced, that as I keep returning my focus to what is healthy for me, to what I can create that is positive for me and others, my enmeshment with my trials and tribulations lessens.
When I, in my impatience and self-importance, take back the wheel of this train I am riding, I try to push it up a hill, off the tracks, wherever I think it should go. And generally, I expect to get to this place FAST. NOW. Well, that just isn't working for me. I get very frustrated, then I get depressed, then I get frozen, then I get scared.
And around about that time, I see that me being conductor is not working. And I apologize and say to my HP, okay, you showed me again. I will let go. I will to work Thy will. And then the train seems to be gliding downhill easily to a better destination again.
I know many of you don't believe in God or a HP - I remember finding it very funny when someone said "HP" means Hewlett-Packard to them.
For me, it is quite literal, whether I want it to be or not. When I was despondent a few days ago, and posted about it, I decided to give up trying to be in charge, and told my HP that, and walked down to the Fiesta in my town. Your turn, I said. I was astonished that I happened to sit next to a man who was one of the arts leaders in this city, and he became interested in me, and gave me a tour of life in the arts in my new city.
It seems unreal, and I am almost embarrassed to post about this. But it keeps happening. When I let go. I sound crazy when I write this. But it happens.
So maybe part of the message here is that you are doing absolutely the most and the best any mother can do for her son. Your dedication and thoughtfulness about what the best decisions are is just great. Maybe it is time to let go of the outcome.
And, you are soon approaching the time where your son, who I believe is about 14, will need to start taking more and more charge of his own destiny.
I'd say believe in yourself, believe that you will do the best any mother can do, perfect or not, and that God will guide you - and your son - forward. Mistakes - or less than perfect decisions - are not life threatening. They are just opportunities for reflection and course correction.
I'd start relying more on your son's own judgment about what he feels is best for him. Soon enough, by 17 and 18, these will be his choices, his outcomes with his life. Maybe it is time to segway into realizing that your job as parent is not making his life perfect; it is guiding him to making his own good decisions.
When I worry, dwell in anxiety, fear the "what could be's", I get stuck. I waste my energy. I make simple things complicated. I don't have any joy. I get depressed. So I try to move myself out of that frame of mind, sometimes with more success than other times. It seems to be a fight I have with myself - is my attitude "I have to have it my way", and "I get to control everything around me, so the outcomes are my fault" going to win, or am I going to find my humility again and accept that I don't rule the world.
And I am ashamed to say, sometimes I really would like to rule my world. I can be very fierce, very determined, very sure that I am right. On occasion my adult daughter has been known to tell me, with empathy and a smile, "Mom, cool your jets." And she was right. I didn't even want to be queen - I am more interested in being king.
It's not that that is all bad. That determination, focus, fierceness, and drive has gotten me where I am. But it ain't all. It isn't enough. It works better when I am not pushing toward the puny results I can imagine. There is more out there when I let it emerge.
More and more, I just think life is about letting go and letting be.
ShootingStar1