I tried to read through the whole thread before responding, until I got here:
Originally Posted by
wanttobehealthy 
I guess I have no one to blame but myself and mostly have regrets for covering for him for so long...
And I had to stop and catch my breath. Because I remember feeling the same way when AXH would no-show and I'd have to deal with the fall-out with DS and then deciding whether or not to cover for AXH again.
No. You're not to blame. You've done an excellent job in a very difficult situation. Their father is the one who is no-showing or showing late; _he_ is the one who wants to lie to the kids and he is the one who wants others to lie to them for him. Not you. Odds are, WTBH, that even if you had covered for him, your kids would still be hurt and they'd still let their father know and he'd still be throwing cr-p your way.
I stopped covering for AXH when DS was about 5, I think. Climbing under the bed to try to console a heart-broken 5 yo who's screaming and crying "Daddy doesn't love me!" was, I think, the last straw. I got the same load from AXH when he learned that DS knew that work wasn't the reason his father wasn't picking him up: "Don't you EVER do that again! You tell him I'm working. You tell him I'm sick. Don't you EVER say you don't know why I'm not there! Don't you EVER .... You make him feel better!" And so many denigrating comments about how I was mothering DS...
It was no longer a job I was willing to hold: Cover-er of AXH's lapses. Liar to keep AXH looking good in front of others. Not even his son.
When I stopped covering for AXH, it didn't feel good. And I'm sure seeing the truth about his father with out the veil I was throwing over it didn't feel good for DS either. And it will never feel good, even when he's older. He knows that his dad doesn't keep his promises. He knows his dad lies about where he was. But, I don't want DS to feel that way about both of his parents. I don't want him to feel that way about _me_.
Kids learn from what they see, not what they're told to do. IMO DS saw his dad lie. When he saw me cover for him, he got the message that it's OK to lie - or at least bend the truth a bit - to make it hurt less. He was learning that behaviour is what to expect from the significant people in his life and that that's how he can be towards them.
I know how hard this is. I struggle with it still. Hang in there.
