I feel way better today. Took an easy night last night, frozen pizza and trash TV, a nice sunset, and cuddled with the baby this morning.
Reflecting on yesterday, I realized my codie tendencies are still right on the edge of going full-blown. I'm a little worried about what AH and his family think of me, I hope he understands why I'm doing what I'm doing, I hope it's obvious that I'm not trying to fight dirty, and I don't want to be hated and reviled for trying to do the right thing, especially after several years of trying to do the right thing by him and getting kicked in the teeth. There was a moment yesterday when I was home before the hearing where I had to stop and lay down and calm myself down because my heart was beating so hard -- I was worrying about all the what-ifs and possible outcomes.
His lawyer only asked me two questions. The hardest part was remembering dates -- and that I had them written on notes in front of me!
I've been thinking a lot yesterday about all the things I've learned about the alcoholic family, and my codependency, and reflected about how these tendencies which I've fought so hard to curb are always right there ready to spin me into a panic. Even despite all my progress and how good I've been feeling, there they were. It reminded me how important self-care is, and that I keep up with my medication and meditations and find ways to enjoy my children and my life regardless of whatever worries I have.
I can't control my AH or what he and his family think of me. I hope they understand, and if they don't, I let it go. Divorce just sucks. Alcoholism just sucks. This isn't what I wanted for myself or my kids, but it is what it is.