Helltoraise-
I don't know how to tell you specifics as I am just learning how to turn the corner in my life and have some fun (which also does not happen in my life or my family).
I grew up in a very codependent household and it sounds similar.
Al-Anon has helped me with this significantly, but I really needed a therapist to work it out with also. I live 2800 miles away from my family at this time which helps me to not engage with their stuff or them with mine. I hope this is not the case forever but the distance helps me for now.
Have you read anything by Melody Beattie? How about Claudia Black? They were some eye opening experiences for me to read and helped me to not feel so alone about my family of origin.