Liz,
You seem to give your NPD AH the benefit of the doubt with extreme generosity. You say there is a good person in there somewhere and that he is afflicted with his alcoholism and mental health issues to boot. I get a bit dizzy listening to your telling of the despicable way he treats you and then how you coming to his defense when we agree that it is despicable.
It seems to me that on the one hand you want us to sympathize (which we do!) .....and on the other it seems that you fear we will judge you for your choice to stay (and thus, you defend him and recite your dedication to al anon and self-analysis).
Here's the thing....it is NOT OUR PLACE TO JUDGE YOU OR YOUR DECISIONS!!!! We are not grading you on your efforts. I worry that your fear of this judgment compels you to defend his behavior to us. No one is keeping score of your efforts. You don't have to defend him. Many of us have stayed in situations that were awful for a very, very long time, for whatever reason, rational or ridiculous.
I don't profess to be nearly as wise as many here who have posted before me....but I think that you are right up against something here.... you've hit some wall or barrier. The options are either to:
1.Break through it (scary, it may hurt, don't know what's on the other side)
2. Stare at it a while longer until you've adapted to and learned to tolerate (once again) the misery that chased you to this wall
3. Accept that this is the life YOU are choosing to live and turn around and go back.
You've gotten to this place (after A LOT of work) and you see this wall and you are paralyzed.....
As I see it from what I've read here, others on this board don't appear to see the wall. I think they (we) see a door way.
Hugs,
MamaKit