Originally Posted by Florence

Liz, I'm working on some stuff for my divorce and I have to go back through the last five or so years of emails and other documents to remember names and dates of things. I've been doing it most of the day today. Something I noticed: I can't tell you how many emails there are from me to my STBXAH that went unanswered. I sent him at least one a day, emails about everything from money to my excitement over what we were going to name the baby to serious things about what I needed from him (when I was in my "maybe letter writing will be more successful than talking" phase) to angry emails like when I started putting together all of his lies. You know what I noticed? He almost never wrote me back, and when we did talk about these subjects in person it was like pulling teeth.

I guess looking at all this I just felt sorry for my old self. Here are five years of me doing my best to look forward and have faith in my AH's sobriety, trying to share my joys and sorrows, and getting radio silence in response. Here I was having a totally one-sided relationship, like I was married to a houseplant or something. It breathed, it drank, and it sat in the living room, and I may have talked to it and been amused sometimes, but it never talked back, loved me, hugged me, or comforted me. It just wanted to sit there. I just chatted away acting like this is what relationships are, where I do all the talking, planning, nurturing, and caring, and it just sits there by the window.

And those were the GOOD times!

That's not counting all the times he was stomping all over my feelings, lying to me, or drinking heavily, trashing his health, calling me names, and emptying our bank account. There was correspondence about that too, me to him, screaming into a void.

The reason I'm sharing this is that this latest post of yours has weighed on me and I can't figure out why. I feel like there's something in you that doesn't believe you're worth having a mutual relationship -- or is scared even. I'm not a doctor, I'm just someone who has been there. But we know a couple of things about your husband now. As an alcoholic NPD, he will never provide for your emotional needs, no matter how beautiful, kind, faithful, giving, or sexually available you are. Have you really sat with that information yet? If so, why do you torture yourself going to a dry well looking for water? You're thirsty, right? I'm mixing a lot of metaphors here. You're screaming into the void. You're trying to have a relationship with a houseplant. You're going to the hardware store for bread. You're trying to have a relationship with someone who isn't interested in one, and getting exhausted, frustrated, and depressed over his lack of sincere interest. If he wasn't a drunk NPD, I'd be all, "He's just not that into you!" and "DTMFA!" Since this is SR, it's more like, "Why are you so into someone who will never reciprocate your feelings?"

I can't remember -- what did your lawyer say about your situation? What does your counselor say about all this?

At some point I think it's fine to accept that you're choosing to stay because you're too scared to do something else. But then you also have to accept that your frustration and exhaustion is also your choice. It sounds depressing, but it's actually empowering. You steer your own course. You're not just blowing in the wind.