I'm sorry you are dealing with this, WTBH, and no, I don't think it makes you a terrible friend - I think it makes you someone who is finally putting herself first and doing what is best for her!!
I really empathize with you, as I have been dealing with an almost identical situation. I went to high school with a girl, and we were always friendly, but never hung out or anything. Fast forward almost 20 years, and we connected on FB. Long story short, we were dating almost IDENTICAL guys, only hers is 12 years younger than us, and mine was 4 years older. But the drinking, the cocaine use, the using us for sex, the not hearing from them for weeks, etc. So while we were both still seeing these guys, we of course, had a lot in common and a lot to talk about. Well, then I ended up getting dumped by mine, and she is still with hers. And I just kind of retreated and withdrew from everyone in the beginning, and especially from her. She was always one of those, "Hi, how are you? Okay, now let's talk about ME!!" kind of people to begin with. So it's not like I was really close to her or that we talked THAT often, but when we did, it was always about her and her guy.
Since I got dumped, she's tried to get me to go out with her and has sent me messages on FB, which I sometimes don't even respond to, because I just don't FEEL like it and I just really don't want to hang with her. She's been careful about not going on about her guy too much since she knows my relationship ended, but she does still mention him and his latest ridiculous behavior. And I feel like you do, like I want to say to her, "WHAT do you want me to say about this guy?? You know he's exactly like C, and it's only a matter of time before this whole thing explodes in your face, like it did to me!! As long as he is using drugs and alcohol, he is NEVER going to change!!" (And actually, I always thought her situation was a bit worse, because this guy has already gotten 'physical' with her when he was drunk/high and she also overheard him telling his roommate that he could sleep with her if he wanted, that he wouldn't care - nice guy, right??) But I don't know, she's still seeing him (when he chooses to actually acknowledge her existence) and mine is long gone, so maybe it WILL work out for her (although, I know that unless this guy gets clean, that's probably not a good thing), and I have to admit, a part of me is jealous that she still has her guy and I don't have mine any longer. Again, I know that for me, that is going to turn out to be a good thing in the end, but it still stings a bit.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel, and I am doing the same thing - just distancing myself because whether due to my own jealousy or due to the painful memories hearing about her guy brings up for me, it's not good to put myself in that situation and subject myself to stuff that could affect my own healing and recovery. You're not a terrible friend, WTBH - you're taking care of YOU.
