Liz, you are in a process of unfolding awareness. In many of the threads you start, you have grasped a new insight and it has made an impact.
Right now, I think that many of these insights are residing inside you as separate thoughts. They have not yet integrated into an overall picture of the truth of your life and your son's life enmeshed with your AH.
I believe that will come. Each of these insights is terribly difficult, and in your case, as in mine, I believe we are fighting through toxic training and beliefs that have been infused in us since childhood, like the tea steeped in a teacup forever. It is not simple to undo this.
You are brave, you are courageous, and you are making great progress in getting to the heart of what your life is about. Each step in that direction helps. And at some point, sooner rather than later, you will know enough to find yourself turning to the question "what do I want to be next?"
ShootingStar1