lizatola

I truly cannot put a finger on one specific thing that is making me so depressed today. I could use some support. I know that I'm not ready to leave my marriage yet. I know that I still love my AH. I know that I have my own faults to work on and fix and get right with myself and with my HP. Those are the things I know.

The other things I know are that: my AH drove my car illegally this weekend while I was out of town. I was on the plane when I realized I forgot to hide the spare set of keys I have, duh. I know that my AH recently lied to me about a few things, totally stupid stuff, though, but I let it bother me.

And, that is probably where my depression comes from. The realization that my AH is still drinking, still driving illegally when it suits him and when he knows he can get away with it, and the realization that I truly can do nothing about it. Well, I mean I knew that all along anyway, but it's when it smacks you upside the head sometimes and you get depressed that you've CHOSEN to live your life like this, that's when you want to cry. I feel like I punish myself for my mistakes over and over again, I hardly ever extend any grace to myself and I certainly have a hard time extending it to my husband. I feel like I'm punishing him for bad behavior. I'm not. I just don't want to connect emotionally and physically with a narcissistic lying alcoholic bully. Now, is he like that all the time? No, actually he's quite pleasant sometimes but I am always waiting for the next 'thing' to be revealed. Some of the stuff he doesn't even know that I know. My sponsor has many times reminded me that if I feel like I have to have a talk with him about driving my car, when he knows he shouldn't be doing it in the first place, that I'm wasting my breath and that I need to check my motives. She's always asking me, "How important is it to put yourself in that conversation? How important is it for you to be right, and to show him that?"

All good points, so why do I struggle? I've chosen to stay. I continue being pleasant, cooking meals, taking care of the dog, house, kid, etc. I greet him with a smile every day, but his look on his face is dead many times. He is a shell of himself, maybe from the meds he's taking, maybe because he doesn't drink when I'm around. He most recently said that he likes it when we're all home together because then he doesn't drink and he doesn't want to turn into a problem drinker. I nearly spit out my tea, as I realized that his definition of problem drinker and my definition of problem drinker were definitely on totally different pages! I keep thinking that if I act happy, it will happen. That if I act in love, I will feel in love. That if I act in kindness, I will beget something from that action. Yet, I feel nothing. I am still angry, resentful, and even madder at myself for having that 'fake it til you make it' notion. Seriously, does that even work??? Sigh, I just needed to vent. Not sure if any of this even flowed into any type of cohesive thought patterns?