not sure now when it's okay to give some feedback, but since you're posting on a forum, i'll assume you're okay with a response.
what jumped out at me are two things:
the mention you make a couple of times about how drinking exacerbates and worsens the depression and bleak hopelessness, yet you say: I just NEED a drink to soften, blur, these sharp edges of pain, when from the rest it sounds like in fact the pain gets less when you DON'T drink.
how might it be to say "i DON'T NEED to drink; and if i don't, the pain will get a little less"?
Most of this of course sounds like the sayings of the average person just coming to grips with never drinking again. But, I'm not at that starting gate; I'm four plus years down the track from when I first seriously tried to stop drinking for good (i.e. went into a residential detox facility).
don't know about everyone, but for me...well, i had to try and come to grips with that for longer than four years of trying. every time i tried, i was serious. or thought i was. felt i was. (but how can i tell in retrospect???? just "judging" from the result of whether i "made it" or not is too circular to determine seriousness of intention)
what i'm saying is that i was at that starting gate repeatedly and then again. and again. sigh.
from listening to people for a long time now, seems like that is very much the average person just coming to grips with never drinking again.
start gate is really the only place to start from. no matter how many times we've been there before. coming to grips with "never" isn't necessary for everyone in order to start again.