Well, it's Thursday morning.
She did call me the last 2 days and I didn't call back.
I'm really sad. I miss her so much.
I spend my day wishing that we were talking to each other and in each other's company.
I felt a high off my decision and still see the wisdom in it, but it doesn't feel good at all now. She doesn't even have an adult mind half the time and I know how she spends her days and it makes me feel awful. I feel responsible for her. And she is around the shittiest people in the world. Too bad she buys into their script.
If her and I talked, I couldn't get it all off my chest. Things wouldn't come out right. I'm thinking of maybe telling her that I'm working on my recovery and keeping it general. But I would have to really trust her to hold the conversation. I wouldn't even know how to explain that I don't want her in my life right now. Nothing I could say would be waterproof. Maybe time apart is the answer. I expect her to be back in jail soon, so maybe I should wait for that.
This is too hard on me right now.
My best friend texted me the morning of the decision asking how he could pray for me. I gave him a list including her. Later I felt resolved and at peace mostly. I didn't really know I would make that decision.
There has got to be an answer for what I'm going thru. I don't know if I can tell her anything good, but if I do it with generalities, then I could see it.
She is too occupied with things to want to risk the conversation when I have a completely uncarved block going for me. Maybe that combined with time would do it.
And last but not least, I'm in love with her and she isn't with me. Maybe we just shouldn't be friends. Sometimes a boy and girl can't be friends. But she has told me I mean a lot to her at different times.
I'm just typing now. Not going to try polishing this post. I have to get to bed. I don't know what to say or do. Well, one thing I can say about coming back to the forum is that I see it clearly that I'm a codependent as well as an alcoholic as well as somebody who can commit to changing other things.