Hi Mama,
Your life sounds a bit like mine was - except my husband hadn't gone quite that far downhill yet when I left him (he has now).
I'm glad you found us and I hope this place will be as helpful to you as it was to me when I found it.
We're told not to give advice here - but I can tell you what I did when I got to the point where I felt like my life had spiraled out of control because of my AXH's drinking.
I started going to AlAnon. They gave me a place to feel surrounded by people who got it. I had so much shame about being in an alcoholic marriage and guilt about not being able to make him stop drinking. In AlAnon I learned that he wasn't my responsibility - but the Children were, and I was. AlAnon gave me a place where it was ok to say "my husband is an alcoholic" and not have to immediately spring into action and have all the answers.
This place gave me truths I didn't want to hear. I thought my AXH was special, that our marriage was different. Here, I was confronted with the fact that he was a textbook alcoholic and I was a textbook wife of one. At times, I didn't like to hear what people told me but I kept coming back because somewhere I knew I needed to hear it.
I also consulted a support group for domestic violence victim. Domestic violence isn't just getting physically injured. It also includes emotional and verbal abuse, and being frightened or coerced into behaviors or actions against your will simply because you're trying to protect yourself or your children.
And I contacted an attorney to find out what my rights were. That differs depending on where you live, but most states have protections in place that might make it possible for you to take possession of your home and have him banned from it while you're working out divorce stuff, if you choose to go in that direction.
Living with an alcoholic makes you a little crazy. You put up with sh*t you never thought you would. You do stuff you never thought you would. You worry so much about the alcoholic that you pay more attention to their needs than to your own and, worse, the children's. all that is part of the package. I did it. It was emotionally difficult to break free of worrying about him first. But it can be done. And most of all, every human has the right to live a life free from alcoholism and the hell it carries with it. That includes your children.
It sounds like you have given him plenty of opportunities to get sober and into recovery. It also sounds like you are very, very tired. I can imagine the physical and emotional exhaustion because I was there not too many years ago.
I want to tell you that for me, leaving was the right answer. My life is not a bed of roses after divorce and court fights and all that - but it is CALM. I get anxious when I have to deal with AXH, but I'm not anxious all the time anymore. I have a peace and joy that I never had with him. The children have a lot to deal with and work through, but I see them finding their way more and more every day. And they are saying now what people here have been telling me for years - that it is better to be without a father than to have an alcoholic for a father.
Sorry - that got long. I just wanted to let you know you've been heard and you're among people who really understand here. Whatever you choose to do.
Big hugs.