Solo, I was there for a long time with my XAW, we were together for 18 years. I remember all the chaos, confusion & exhaustion. Seems like they all fuel each other! She was boderline BPD, though i'm pretty sure now the borderline part should be removed. I remember walking into rooms wondering why the hell did I come in this room? Not focusing on work, my mind just blowing around thoughts in my head...... One thing that helped me was to just STOP! Take a minute, sit down and DO THE NEXT BEST THING. Maybe that thing was to get a glass of water, sweep the floor, mow the lawn, straighten some nails, go for a ride, maybe sit one more minute. Just try to break the swirling thoughts in my head & let them settle.
It can be tough for me to deal with her still, its only been 6 months, but it gets easier. Much easier than at first that's for sure! I am learning that I can walk away from something and leave it broken. I don't HAVE to fix it, though at times I want to REALLY REALLY bad! I realize this a lot when dealing with XAW, I still desperately want to make things better. But these are feelings. I recognize them for what they are. I am GOING to have feelings like these, I have to allow them to happen and then the choice is mine on how I deal with them. Do I act on them or let them go? It's kind of a case by case basis. I try to realize the consequences if I act on them, sometimes it is warranted, other times it is destructive to me.
For me & my XAW, I had to get out of her way. I had stopped enabling her for quite a while but she found others to take my place. Friends & family, especially MIL. Seemed like her whole focus had shifted to me being the source of all her unhappiness and reasons for why she drank. Mother would take her out drinking, hubby would not, bad husband! She actually felt abandoned by me. She couldn't understand why I couldn't help her drink. Though I doubt she saw it as helping her drink, in reality that's what it was. So I got out of her way, let her leave. I am now realizing how bad it/I/we were, something that I couldn't realize at the time. Glad your here!