Thank you guys. I look back over my posts and am disgusted with myself. When I first read about RR online I immediately ordered the book. I will admit that I have not read it fully and have not utilized it's tools.
I am not doing AA (btdt), don't like the powerlessness aspect of it. I went smart recovery meetings, which I can relate more too. I need to make some connections on SR and utilize the tools that are offered here. I feel like I've been floundering all over the place. I can do fine for a week and then think - just one more time. I've been doing so well. I'll just drink at night after the kids are in bed and nobody will ever know. Well, the night blended into the next day this last time.
I am so fortunate with all that I have. I do not want to risk losing anything more than I already have. I've never been on SR chat. I'll look into it later this evening. Thank you for your kind words and gentle call outs. I really can't take the in your face approach right now. My self esteem is at an all time low right now, as it should be.
As far as saying I was a binge drinker instead of I am... You are right. I need to do more positive self talk.