Recoveries and Marriage
Well, my husband and I were doing the Love Dare and made it to day 27 (out of 40). We had some "rain delays" because I got sick, he went away for a few days, and then he got sick. I think the book is wonderful and would highly recommend it to anyone who is working on a better marriage.
That said, I honestly think it was too soon in his recovery and probably in mine too. I can now fully appreciate why addiction "experts" suggest that recovery addicts focus on themselves and not enter new relationships.
Recovery is a lot of work. Marriage (relationships) is a lot of work. Parenting is a lot of work. Running a business (any job) is a lot work. It's way too much for anyone in early recovery, IMO.
The Vivitrol shot made things very easy the first month. It helped him get back over hump. It made him saner then I have seen him in a few years. However after it wore off, he had to battle the demons using his tools he has learned. He's experiencing emotions he has numbed out for a while now as well.
I could visually see him on overload and I wanted a break too. He had suggested the book, it was a great idea but I don't think it was realistic for the amount of time he had clean. Neither one of us were ready.
Once again, I am reminded why recovery for both of us must come first. There should be no expectations placed on either of us. Two people do not make a whole. Two healthy people make a healthy relationship. There are no short cuts!
We decided to attempt again in a few months and I am fine with that.
I guess the moral of the story is....it's hard to understand what a RA must go through. As non addicts, many of us can have very unrealistic expectations. We really can't fathom recovery from any substance and what it means. We expect "normalcy" that just isn't possible. The brains needs time to heal. It takes time for behaviors to change. (One both sides)
I can accept that now. However, I am not condoning bad behavior. Addiction, recovery or not....bad behavior is completely unacceptable for all involved. While working our recoveries, we can still have a loving, respectful marriage but in all honesty, I wanted everything to about me/us, to be number 1 again without even realizing it. I still went out with friends, etc, it wasn't my behavior but it was still my thinking. I have a lot of work to do still because it is just too easy for me to fall right back to loving my husband more then I love myself again.