((fini))-
If I had it all figured out and didn't want anyones' opinion then I sure would not have a thread on the internet regarding my drinking behaviors....:rotfxko You are not preachy at all.
I think I called it more of a hissy-fit because I was so ready to drink it all away and then when the time came to actually do that... I no longer wanted to. That makes me question if it was just the "beast throwing a fit" or me losing it. Does that make sense? I can deal with "beast fits" but, not me going crazy.
As far as ambivalance... ABSOLUTELY..... I want to be 100% sure that I want to live my life sober forever... never drinking again before I make that plan. Of all the "pictures in my head" the cookout one is the one that made me realize why I had not made a BP.
I thought about it all weekend (on and off of-course) why no BP???? And this was my answer to me I am still "not unable" to imagine myself drinking. Is the cookout romanticised? Sure it is. At the end of the night I pass out, blackout and wake up sick. Is it worth that? I dont know.
And I guess that is all the stuff I have contemplated since the thoughts of drinking started up. I greatly appreciate your input.
It is all about choices. It is about creating "new pictures" that make me happy. New pictures of a new life without a drink. I feel very much that I am reinventing myself. I am becoming a different person.
So, I must agree with you. The constant beast activity for a few days last week was definitely a type of warning to me from me that all is not perfect. That I need to really look at what it is I want........