Dear Loopy, it sounds like he is staying "dry" but not in recovery. As you, do doubt, have learned by now---recovery means working the 12 steps and changing the thinking; which leads to changed attitudes; which leads to changed behavior.
I have been told that the appearance of "dry drunk" behavior often is the precursor of relapse. Not to frighten you--I have been told this by long recovering AA members.
The question you really seem to be asking is about your ability to accept unacceptable behavior. I would ask you if you are satisfied and content in your relationship. If this is as good as it gets--are you content with this? How important is your own happiness to YOU? Is your goal to survive or to thrive?
I remember to the hour when I decided to leave the relationship (marriage) to my children's father, many years ago. It just dawned on me that I would always be invisible to him and that it was never going to be any better. I felt like I would "die" inside if I remained in that marriage. I wanted to be happy--to be myself--to be loved for who I was---to be free from walking on eggshells for the rest of my life.
I divorced him. Later I married a wonderful man and had a great love. He died, suddenly, recently. I have never regretted the decision to leave my first marriage.
I hear that my first husband is still the critical, narcissistic jerk that he always was. Hasn't changed one bit in all these years!!!!
This is my story. I think you deserve to by happy by your own terms--this life is very short.
dandylion