BB89

So, when I began on my own journey of recovery, I knew I had some deep-routed issues that have been going on for many years. I knew that I had mostly likely been co-dependent in one way or another for pretty much the majority of my life. I did not, however, realize how cripplingly sick I really was until tonight.

Throughout my adolescence and into adulthood, I have kept journals off and on. I would write for a few months then forget about it for a year and so on. Anyway, I found one journal that documented what I would consider my "darkest days". One reoccurring theme was an ex boyfriend of mine that I dated off and on from 8th to 11th grade. Given the time that all this occurred, I'm sure I dramatized some of it, but it was none-the-less a twisted relationship from what I read. I can see now so plainly how he manipulated me in so many ways and how I ate it up. No, he was not an addict, but he was still very sick. He had many issues of his own and, of course, I thought I could save him from himself. I was the one that ended the relationship but wrote about how incredibly guilty I felt for doing that to him.

The thing that scares me about reading all that is, there were a few things that reminded me of my relationship with my A. Not so much about him though, it's more about my mind set. The things I said about him that I say about my A. The way he's "the only one that's ever understood me", "he's the only person I have ever been able to share everything with", etc. Why is it I feel I can only open up to people with "issues"? Do I really feel like a mentally healthy person would not be able to understand or accept me because of things that have happened/I've done in my past? Like they're better than me for some reason or I'm not worthy of their love? How messed up is that? I guess sick really does attract sick... ouch.

As unpleasant as it was, I'm really happy I found that journal. I needed to see that.