I am so sorry for your loss and for your family's. please be gentle with yourself, the family members of people who commit suicide often feel the way you do, and I like lexie wonder if you would find comfort in the presence of others who have been through, no doubt there will be unique circumstances but often common experiences.
I am very glad that you have your recovery to help you find your strength to deal with this, that it has helped you, lean heavily on those that can support you.
this may be inapropriate, and too early, please ignore if so, but I have a family friend who's son committed suicide after a lifelong battle with depression, they have found some peace with an acceptance of depression as a disease that in his case was terminal, that he spent as long on this earth as he was able to, and that no amount of love or help could have or indeed did change that.
gentle hugs.