Thread: Encouargement?
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Old 05-28-2013, 05:36 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Jad3d
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by SoloJohn View Post
I felt so very powerless to stop it, and truth be told, I am powerless to stop it. Nothing has changed (for the better ) so far.
SoloJohn, I can't tell you enough how incredibly wrong this sentence is. You feel powerless to stop it, but you hold all the power here. The problem is she has you feeling like she holds the cards, when in reality you do. You don't realise how everything you do holds her up, how you weave this tapestry that she creates her life with. Her life revolves around you and her alcohol. The former because of her BPD, and the latter because of her addiction - AND NEITHER of those things are helpful or healthy.

If she truly has BPD, you are dealing with an unstable individual who truly believes that YOU are the problem and that she is putting up with you. In a rare moment of clarity or weakness, she may realise she actually treats you bad - and it will usually be when you take a stand. Once she pulls you back in and feels secure again, she will start back up again with her bad habits. The alcohol will only serve to make this process longer, harder and more painful - often with disastrous consequences.

You feel powerless only because you are in a relationship with someone who will tear you down and rake you through the coals one day, only to draw you back in and "love you, please you, pledge to you" the next.

I want to make this so clear to you: You have the power here BUT only over your own actions.

You need to be accountable for what you choose to do from here on in. It's like when you are sick, you go to the doctor to get rid of the bug and hope to heal? Well, leaving an alcoholic is the same process. They are the sickness. They invade you, infect you and leave you drained, depleting you completely of all your nutrients and goodness.

These are some of the techniques I Have picked up and use regularly:

Try to focus on you. Pick something you like to do, even if it's only for a few minutes a day, and just do it.

Let her stuff be her stuff. If she starts ranting at you, accept that her words and actions are about her - not about you. If you let her words lose their power, they cannot hurt you anymore.

Plan for the future. Write down a list of things you'd like to do, the person you want to be, and where you'd like to be in 6/12/18 (however many) months time. Plan out how you could get there. My go to is always travel - where would I like to go? How can I get there. You need to start setting your own goals now. You have made her recovery your goal - Let that be her goal now.

And lastly - an important one from my therapist. You have to assume that she is never going to change. Never. She will stay this way forever and nothing will ever get better. It will just stagnate and you will stay on the wheel forever. Picture it. Accept it. Now consider - is this how you want your life to be? Could you be happy doing this, day in - day out, every day for the rest of your life?

Refuse to consider "what if's", they are empty promises that belong in a fantasy. Only consider the facts.

She is who she is and she is who she CHOOSES to be.

So who do you choose to be?
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