Hi Ryan. I hope it helps to be able to talk about what's happened. At least maybe it'll relieve your anxiety a little - knowing we understand and are not going to judge you. No one sets out to destroy their life - I did irrational things during my drinking years, too. I have put my life back together, piece by piece. You will too.
Nothing ever stays the same for long. No matter how hopeless things seem right now, you can rebuild. Your life may not turn out the way you planned - but it can still be wonderful, maybe even better. Please don't think that picking up a drink is going to help calm your nerves. It would be a dangerous thing to do. You need to prove to yourself and everyone else that you're done with that way of life. I hope you won't sabotage yourself by caving. Said with love - not lecturing you.
Please let us know how you're doing.