They're driving 9 hours to get here and I can not cancel. Been planned for over a month, vacation time has been taken, only see them once a year- it would break their hearts. They don't drink really. Just some wine here or there. They don't know I've quit and I don't want to make it into a big thing. I really want them to enjoy their time here, and dont want to make it awkward. On the phone with mom last night, felt really stressed and triggered after the conversation and it scared me. So I popped on here to get some encouragement. It helps, really.
I got stressed because my mom was being all tense and weird... We've done a lot of work, to be able to have the relationship that we have. But, at times its very stressful for me. I have PTSD (diagnosed) from my childhood, which I've worked very hard on- but its tough when things like a tone of voice, or specific phrases, perfume- trigger a memory. It's not something one has a lot of control over. Just kinda pops up, all vivid and horrifying. I have learned coping skills and I need to practice them, rather than drink. Really??? Booze isn't solving shite, and I was traumatized by an alcoholic- so WTF am I thinking???
In the past, sitting down and having a few glasses of wine together, was kind of an ice breaker. I NEED to get through this, without self-medicating. That's EXACTLY what it is.
My plan is to just decline, for health reasons. Which IS true and I believe that I can decline. My husband and I REALLY want to have a baby but, I need to have some solid time under my belt before that's an option. Just another very good reason- in a LONG line of good reasons- not to drink. I'm dedicated- but it IS addiction and I'm not two weeks in.. I don't think- I KNOW, I'm vulnerable. I'd love to lie and say all confidently "I've got this!". But I need to stay on guard, and admit when things feel rocky.
I think the panic that was creeping up on me last night, was also part of the cycle where in the past, I've set myself up to fail. Knowing that freaked me out even more and my head just started spinning. You know?
When I started out, I had a plan. I need to be back in therapy. I will be seeing an addiction specialist- but not for a few more weeks. That was the soonest availability I could get for non-emergency. I use AVRT, have the book, it worked for me for 2 years previously. But life happened, (break up of long term relationship, living alone for the first time, etc blah blah blah) and I went back to my old way of coping. I also come here- which has been saving my ass. My close friends know I'm not drinking, and they're leaving me be for now, but are there if I need them.
This is just another challenge and that's going to happen. I know if I can get through this sober, I'm going to feel so great. It's huge progress. Not JUST with my drinking, but at life in general.
I have been doing really well this time around. Day one, I had my pity party and I kinda left it at that. Then came suckie withdrawal. From there, I've had a few urges but nothing I couldn't handle. Then last night BAM!! Razors edge... Scary. But I'm still sober! Just needed the reminder that I can do this! All of you guys are doing it... So I can too.
Sorry for rambling. :-( I just wanted to think through this and get my thoughts out. Thanks if you took the time to read all this!!