How Big is My Big Plan?
I am 59 years old. I drank for 40 years, and a few months ago I made a commitment to be FREE from my addiction. I read Rational Recovery and the Art of AVRT, then through careful and painstaking consideration I came to a well-thought-out understanding in my Rational Mind that there is NO justification or falsely perceived Reward that would justify drinking again. I made my Big Plan and resolved to never let the Beast inside me have control again.
Then I had a couple ‘slips’. Short episodes where I drank ‘controllably’ for a day or two, then realized I had let the Addiction run some of those old operating programs. I carefully considered what had happened, and re-visited the deep-reasoning that led to making my Big Plan. I had been very thorough in my consideration, and had not made just a flippant emotional knee-jerk reaction to ‘bad feelings’ when I made my Big Plan. Reason won out, because like AVRT points out, I am in control, NOT the Beast of addiction that is actually just corrupted pleasure/pain programming which I can refuse to let have control of me.
I continued on for a while, applying the AVRT techniques, and was successful at recognizing the myriad of Addictive Voice thoughts, false reasonings, even behavioral ‘jump starts’ where I would catch myself heading for the liquor store, keys in hand. Then…..as days went on, and stressful situations piled up…..’I’ decided to have a drink…then two…then the next day a couple…then off a few days…then the stress got worse….then ‘I’ decided ‘I’ would prefer to just ‘block it all out’…and I know a very effective way to do that….NOW, after a few weeks of this…INSANITY…I realize what has happened...I am back in my addiction.
What now? I have obviously FAILED in my commitment to being FREE from my addiction. I feel like $#!+, and I know how to block that out too… Have I failed??? HELL NO!!!...I let that damn BEAST have control, and I just let it happen. I did not just flippantly make that Big Plan, and now realize I am a hopeless victim of some uncontrollable Addiction Disease. HELL NO…I very carefully thought that Big Plan out. That was in my best sober thinking, carefully considered with a sound mind. That IS ME, I made that Big Plan…and I am choosing to follow it….right now and continuing on.
In conclusion, I have added something to my Big Plan. I understand another component of AVRT. I now fully understand that for me, drinking is the MOST IMMORAL thing I can do, because I have a clear understanding that I cannot function responsibly or controllably when I drink. Yeah, I have a Big Plan..it defines me as a completely sober person...for well-thought-out reasons...and I do NOT drink, because it is the most Immoral thing I can do, and that is not who I am.
RDBplus3