vodka was my poison of choice as well. my last sip of vodka was May 8, 2012. i started going to AA and laid the groundwork for 10 months of sobriety there. i quit going to meetings after about 6 months and when alcohol came a calling 4 months later i was weak. i figured wine was "less dangerous" than alcohol but found that i didn't have any immunity against it too. i'm back in AA now and after a few stumbles am finally back to surrendering to alcohol. i'm finding that having the solid backing of a lot of people with more sobriety than myself is key. working the steps is hard but it's helping as well. turning my life and will over to my higher power is really hard but another thing i'm working on. i stay busy with meetings and step work so i never get in that lonely state of mind that is so dangerous to me.
i've been to rehab a couple of times but i made the mistake of thinking that rehab would cure me. alas, it did not. what it did was provide me with knowledge. while that knowledge is useful, self knowledge alone was not enough. i'm having to make a total life change and i'm having to be open to a spiritual change as well. when i go to my meetings, i see people with years of sobriety and it gives me hope. i see my sponsor being useful to others and content and it helps me to follow her suggestions. even though i'm still basically new to the program, i am given the opportunity to be of use to others and when that happens, i am not thinking about myself and it's a great relief. having my selfishness be chipped away though my AA work is a blessing. if i'm not focused on myself, i am less likely to be in a state of mind that would make drinking possible.
i am given a daily reprieve from my mental obsession when i take my focus of myself. rigorous honesty with myself, my husband, my sponsor and my fellows in AA helps me to pull my head out of my ass before it gets stuck too deep in there. meetings are my sanctuary and though i'm not always thrilled with going to a meeting or my experience there, i very, very rarely leave a meeting feeling worse or even the same as when i got there. it can feel like a chore sometimes but i accept this as my life now and even embrace it. if the work i'm doing now is what it takes to free me from the bonds of alcohol, i welcome it! it sure beats the alternative.
you have to ask yourself "have i had enough yet?" when you can open your mind and heart and answer "yes" with total honesty, perhaps you are ready to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober. alcohol has beat me into a state of reasonableness. i came to decide that i was either going to live sober or die drunk. by the grace of my God, i am sober today. i have the fellowship of AA, my Higher Power, the steps and my sponsor to thank for that.
AA isn't the only way to get sober but i found that after i tried many other methods and failed, AA was there to help me clear away the wreckage of my life and gave me the ground to build a new life. i'd done the AA thing before but my ego and my preconceptions shut my ears to the message. i walked into meetings and i could only pick out the difference i had to these strange, crazy people. i scoffed at their God and believed that they were deluding themselves. it wasn't until i realized that their God was not a shared, singular entity that my eyes began to open. i learned that God was not a white haired, toga wearing Czar of the Heavens. God was God as i came to understand it. it was my very own, personal God with whom i could now begin to build a relationship with. my God and our relationship is unique to me. i can share it with other people as the basis for their work but it's mine to hold on to. my Higher Power, my spirit of the universe is all mine and it will take care of me if i am willing to let it. it will remove my selfishness and self centeredness if i allow it to. it will let me live life on life's terms if i give up trying to exert my will over everything. it is not my place to exert my will over everything around me. i am now allowed to live in harmony with life instead of discord because i am not willing to let life happen as it will.
i gave up drinking because i was finally willing to give up fighting. the only control i have is over the first drink. after that, the drink will always eventually win. understanding that and being willing to be honest in my acceptance of that has been vital to my sobriety. if i lie to myself about my control over alcohol, it's all over. cravings come and when they do, i have people to call or a place i can go to. that's been one of the biggest resources i've drawn on. i hope you decide to not face your addiction alone.