inthethroes

Am I an alcoholic? I haven't yet made that decision in full. I'm entertaining the thought at the moment, more so than I have in the past. Have I frequently had to defend my frequent imbibing?- yes. Do people who I love look at me with disappointment when I return time after time to the fridge?-yes. Have I been drunk more nights than I've been sober this week?- yes. Have I been a heavy drinker for my entire adult life, and to an extent even before that?- yes.
I found this site when I was looking for stories of other addicts, particularly opiate addicts. My man is an opiate addict going on five years now and has been bumping around through a treatment program since October of last year. That search led me to "Scotty's Story" on this site. That story really drew me in, and I started to wonder if that is how things are going to go for my guy. He's in a downward spiral and I've been along for the ride. Leading back to my own question of self discovery. Lately I've been completely self destructing. I'm drinking to escape my reality nearly every night, in fact I'm hungover as I type. Twice this week I've revisited a long ago left behind habit of cutting and I'm afraid of where this is going. I need to stop this train wreck before it makes impact. I am totally lost in a world of (his) pill addiction, and now am considering the possibility that he may not be the only one with a problem. The idea of not ever drinking again is pretty revolting to me, and that thought may very well keep me right where I am on the brink of self discovery without actually tipping the scales in that direction. Without a doubt I'm drinking too much, too often, and for the wrong reasons at this point in time. I'm lost to my own life, and am unable to move on to a better place. I'm stuck in a dead end job that won't support me for the rest of my life, haven't completed my education, and feel utterly alone in the world. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll end up drunk one night in the not too distant future and completely give up on life. I have tried to kill myself in the past, a few years back, because of this very same problem- his addiction being too much for me to handle, our relationship being an absolute disaster, my drinking getting out of hand, and no where to turn. I feel like I'm approaching that exact set of circumstances again. I guess the circumstances themselves aren't changing, but my ability to cope quickly is. I do see a counselor once a week, provided by his treatment facility for "collateral dependant" but it's not touching the emotional strife I'm feeling.
Well, that's my story. Or at least a chunk of it. I need help.