Wow. That sounds all too familiar. It reminds me of my last few months when I was attempting to control my drinking. I would swing by the bar after work and just have two pints. Sometimes I made it home and then later to bed without breaking my "two pint" rule (as in only 2 pints or a bomber when I drink) but if I did my mind would be demanding more thus leaving me preoccupied and cranky. But sometimes I would feel too good and then after my two pints I would swing by the liquor store and get a bomber and usually when that happened my control would be weak and who knows if I would stop after that. I figured two pints or a bomber would just be enough to put out the fire but also not get me drunk enough where I would feel groggy/hungover when it wore off but we alcoholics know that the urge just doesn't go away once you start. I thought I could master it, then I thought I could just get by then one day I woke up hungover, went to work, someone gave me a couple bottled beers for helping him with a project and I brought them into the bathroom and slammed them, you know, just to ease the hangover. I knew I had to stop there because I was suppose to take my little girl to tumbling class. But I stopped at the liq anyways, got a bomber and drank it. Ended up taking her to class, driving her to class. I was in no condition to do this. After her class I went to the liq again, with her in my arms, got two bombers drove home and drank them both before my wife got home. I was sitting there on the couch guzzling beer while my 1.5 year old was playing on the floor when I knew this was it. This was my "how it ends" moment. There is no way I am going to control this. It's over. Woke up the next morning after a night of confessions to my wife and went to an AA meeting and declared myself an alcoholic and a,huge amount weight was lifted off. 4 months later and more weight lifted off I still have that day seared onto my brain and I suspect I always will.
You're a good writer. Do you have a blog or diary? When I first started to quit/control my drinking I started a private blog and I look back at it from time to time to read my adventures. Currently I feel pretty confident in my ability to abstain but I still understand that complacency is not a good thing for alcoholics so little trips down memory lane reminds me of what I am like when I was a drinker.