New here...on day #5
Hi,
I've been reading this forum on and off for months looking for inspiration and ease knowing there are others that are like me. I have had this battle inside me of constant guilt, shame, hate, anger, frustration, confusion, fear...the list goes on and I know all of these feelings come down to one thing and that's my drinking. I've been drinking since I turned 21 (now 39), at first it was social and out with my friends and as the years went by it's gotten worse. Only taking a day or two off, waking up EVERY weekend feeling awful and irritable because I had just too much. I can't do it anymore. That, and what kind of example am I setting for my kids...a horrible way of life. And, I'm not the kind of Mom I dreamed of being. It took me 6 years to get pregnant with my first son and it was the most important thing to me, to become a Mom and here I am, wasting away every day I have with them. Not anymore!
I keep saying, no more - not another drink. I know that possibility of never touching another drink is very slim. My husband is a heavy drinker and all of our friends are...every social situation contains alcohol. Right now, I'm avoiding friends to stay away from the trigger, but here we are going into a 3-day weekend, plans are being made and I know my husband will be drinking - even if we aren't with friends. It's going to be hard. I've told him I'm done, I don't want to do it anymore and his response was "why don't we do this, we will take Mon-Thurs off and only drink three days out of the week". Well, that doesn't work for me because when I drink I get DRUNK and I don't want to get drunk anymore...I don't want to wake up feeling like sh*t anymore. I don't want my kids to see me drinking anymore. I don't want to have a foggy head anymore. Again, the list goes on.
So, here I am, day #5 and doing the best I can...there is a bottle of vodka and tequila in my cabinet and beer in my fridge. If it wasn't for my husband, I'd pour them out - but he lives here too and he's not quitting so I have to muster up all the inner-strength I have to not pour myself a drink.
I just need to keep reminding myself that all of the problems I have that have yet to be solved all come down to the all-mighty drink and that nothing will get better until I tame the beast. And that my boys deserve a better life, a life with a sober and caring Mommy, a future that's bright and shining.
Off for a run hoping the anxiety that's building up right now will melt away with the sweat that I produce. :-)
Christy