I am very touched by all of your responses.
Fini- I have thought the same thing "everyone dies". And yeah.... great point about the beer not being all the adjectives I(it) was using. Deep down I know that is all beast. Lemonade is "happy and summery" as well but, I was not craving that. Thanks for pointing that out.
SL- Absolutely right. There is even a part of the book that talks about the beast loving tragedy (paraphrase) and mine jumped on this opportunity.
RR- I love what you said.
It is absolutely true. I am so incredibly lucky to have any amount of time with her and our relationship is amazing. I am NOT READY for this. However, I cant drink to get out of my head.... just like you said "eventually there is no place to hide from ourselves". I am at that point.
So, last night the beast spoke up and I really did sit with it. I thought "well if my drinking can definitely ensure that my mom wont have stomach cancer I will do it". My drinking of-course does not affect her biopsy results at all. They will be what they are. So you know what it did... It shut up.
What my drinking will affect is my ability to deal with whatever is coming my way. When I drank it was my ONLY way of dealing with any emotion. Now I cook, I cry, I write, etc...etc...
I have begun reading about dealing with irrational beliefs and how to dispute them. Very strong stuff. Simplistic and powerful. Much like RR.
Maybe I did just need to vent. I have not mentioned what is going on at my job bc they will know that means I intend on leaving. Dont need that hassle right now. I obviously am keeping it from my child till I have something definitive to tell her and as I said my BF has been out of town since I found out. My brother is with my mom so he is aware but, he is a self-proclaimed "active alcoholic" (a title he wears quite proudly) so, we are not as close as we were 6 months ago. I just have a hard time dealing with him lately. He and I were drinking buddies for over a decade and now... well, its just different.
What is strange is I honestly didn't think I had changed so much. Part of me thought I was just waiting for the "right reason" to drink again. That sobriety was contingent on things being ok or me being content. It is not. I am not ok right now. I am not content. I want to scream or freak out in some way. I want to be IN CONTROL of everytihng. However, I do not want to drink. My beast wants to drink but, I dont. I dont think I truly got the "seperation" idea that is presented in the book until recently.
Anyway, I am rambling.... Thank you all again.