BabyJane

Today marks 6 months of sobriety from opiates and alcohol. I sit back and count all those days (182 to be exact) and I can't believe I have made it this far. Here is my story in a nutshell:

I grew up in an alcoholic / perscription pill addict home. Both of my parents were very committed to work and social obligations but were secretly spiraling out of control. I moved out at 17 after my own long battle with Anorexia. I had spent a good portion of my childhood living in hospitals at that point. I was still struggling with food but I thought going out into the world on my own was best. I did 2 years of college and then decided to move to California on a whim. The ocean was calling me. I secured a good job in Corporate Aviation and stated dating a fellow pilot. We partied all over the world amd lived like the wealthy. We didnt have a care in the world for a while. Life was grand. Gradually, my escalating alcohol and drug use started to take things from me. Eventually I lost the guy, the job, and dropped out of school a second time. I also got a DUI and had a total nervous breakdown. Back to hospitals and rehab. Misery was my constant companion. I was suicidal and wanted to die. Finally mastered alcohol about 5 years ago and quit for good. A wonderful period of sobriety followed. I became a teacher. I loved my students. My circle of friends changed and I had people in my life now who were also sober and who truly cared. Then my parents, who had been living in South America, came back into my life. My sister and I were thrilled but quickly realized what a bad influence they could be and how hard it was to deal with them. We tried to mend our family but it wasn't to be. A relapse on Vicodin 3 years ago eventually led me to the darkest place I've known. I became a heroin and speed addict; a junkie. Total relapse and this time much faster. The feeling of impending doom followed me like a rain cloud. I knew no joy other than that high. I was almost homeless, jobless, devoid of human emotion... Totally gone.... Time to get clean. I knew, I had been sober before. There were several failed attempts. Eventually I realized that in this battle I would have to use every weapon I possibly could. Began therapy, medication, meetings and started a strict diet and exercise regime. Got away from my family for a while. My father, my best friend, continued to deteriorate until he was in jail or hospitals every other day. My mother left and ran off with a college sweetheart. I watched my sister get a DUI and almost injure several people. None of them are sober. It was a very rough, sad time but I trudged forward and always knew something better was ahead of me if only I could stay away from the evil of addiction.

Today I am doing better, not always fantastic, not perfect, but better. Everyday brings its own challenges and rewards. I won't lie, I won't sit here and say I don't have days where I miss the escape. I have depression and I treat my depression. I've never come close to relapsing but I've had a lot of tears and many challenges in sobriety. I'd say the hardest part for me is facing what I've lost and those I hurt, trying to make amends and repair my life at age 30. I feel like I am behind my peers. I feel so confused sometimes, like a little kid again. But the will to fight is always there. Some of my favorite things today include kissing my loved ones and feeling their affection, doing things outside like hiking or jogging, gardening, going to the beach, music and books, a good conversation with a friend, spending quality time with my little God-daughter. I know I have along way to go. I've been on SA and the people here have been great support and also some of the best mentors I could ask for. Thank you all for my sobriety and for helping me reclaim my life. Here's to 6 more months of coming out of my shell and learning to live free. God Bless each and every one of you.